If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
