I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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