You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
