I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
