sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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