Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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