Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
