I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
