He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
