Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
