I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
