you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize