If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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