She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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