Pants 0. Shit 1.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
