I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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