can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
