Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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