I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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