Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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