seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
