so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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