Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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