Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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