Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
