I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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