i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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