I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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