I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
