my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
