i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
