My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
