Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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