What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize