Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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