Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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