It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
