It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
