If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
