Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
