Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize