I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
