Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
