matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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