i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
