Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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