i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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