I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
