I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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