he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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