I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize