if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
