Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
