His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
