once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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